The REAL Generation Gap---When You Are Kept Apart From Your Grandchildren

Grandparents’ Day is this Sunday, September 13th. While some more cynical folks believe this is a manufactured holiday dreamed up by marketing executives at Hallmark simply to sell more greeting cards, most of us believe it is a time to honor and celebrate that special relationship between grandparents and grandchildren. You raised your own children and dreamed of the day when you’d become a grandparent. You bought the cardigan sweater, pipe, rocking chair, stocked up on cookies and hard candies and were all set to start spoiling those children of your children rotten (as well as regaling them with fascinating stories about the “good old days”).

Then, the unimaginable. Your son gets a divorce, and his ex-wife, your daughter-in-law who you accepted and loved as one of your own children, packs up your grandkids and moves half way across the country. Or, in a move motivated by bitterness and spite, your daughter divorces and her ex-husband, the man you trusted to care for your daughter forever, the man you called “Son,” forbids you to see your grandchildren because he thinks you are a bad influence simply because you are related to that witch that “done him wrong.”

So what’s a grandparent to do? Your intentions are good, your heart is pure and all you want is to see your grandchildren on a regular basis, and, if possible, avoid any divorce-related slings and arrows that may be flying overhead.

Before considering legal action, it is imperative that you familiarize yourself with your state’s laws regarding the visitation rights of grandparents and certain other relatives. States vary widely in their treatment of grandparents as far as their right to visit their grandchildren, as well as when such an action for visitation can be brought.

The best way to go is to try to make sure that visitation orders for the grandparents are contained in the divorce decree. If they are not, in Nevada, grandparents and certain other relatives can petition the court for visitation only if a custodial parent has flat-out denied or unreasonably restricted visits with the child. So if your ex-daughter-in-law merely has that special lemon-sucking pissed-off look on her face while bringing her kids to visit you, that is not enough reason to petition the court for increased visitation.

If a parent has flat-out denied or unreasonably restricted grandparent visits with the child, there is a rebuttable presumption that the parents are acting in the child’s best interest and visitation with you, the grandparent, is not in those best interest. Baloney, you say! If you as a grandparent are going to get those visits, than you have to overcome that presumption with what’s called clear and convincing evidence.

What that basically means is this: the court will look at YOU, the grandparent, and decide if visitation with you is in the child’s best interest. The court will consider things like your mental and physical health, your moral fitness, if you provide the child with food, clothing, etc. during visits, the preference of the children themselves, if they are old enough to express a preference, and of course, most important, the love, bond, and pre-existing relationship you had with your grandchildren before the divorce.

So here’s what NOT to do if you are a grandparent planning to petition the court for visitation:
• When the children are around, don’t bad-mouth your ex-daughter or son-in-law no matter how wretched you think they are! (this really should not be done anyway, EVER, its just not nice and can have a very detrimental effect upon the kids)

• Don’t go out and rack up the speeding/parking tickets or knock over any liquor stores!

• Don’t start smoking if you don’t already.

• Don’t take the children without their parent’s permission or unlawfully extend your visits.

Here’s what TO DO:
• Keep yourself healthy and active! This is no time to break down.

• Buy the kids some stuff once in a while if you are able; you don’t have to go overboard; a t-shirt and a power bar will do the trick!

• Consult a family law attorney that understands the grandparents rights statutes in your state and can navigate through them with compassion and tenacity

• Most important, LOVE those grandkids! Just love ‘em. And make sure they know it and feel it, everyday.

Happy Grandparents Day!